The Porn-Worthiness of Blogger Pseudonyms

by: rich

Sun Oct 28, 2007 at 01:00:00 AM EDT

A respected reporter and columnist recently accused political bloggers of using pseudonyms that are porn-worthy. As I am someone who is far too prudish to watch porn, I am unqualified to judge the accuracy of that accusation. So I thought it would be a good idea to consult someone that is an expert on such matters. Unfortunately, I don’t know any directors, actors, actresses, or even camera operators who work in the porn business.

But I do know someone who considers himself a connoisseur of porn. He goes by the name Goober. He’s 41, has never been married, and lives in Lansing. He’s the one that informed that there is in fact such things as Clown Porn and Pregnant Woman Porn. I took his word on it and have not confirmed his claims. (FYI, "Goober" is not his real name.)

So I ran a lot of blogger pseudonyms and proper names by Goober to see if he thought they were porn-worthy.

Let’s start with Hazen Pingree, I said.

“Isn’t he a dead guy?” asked Goober.

Yes, he was mayor of Detroit and then Governor of our state.

“Not porn-worthy.”

What if say, it’s a challenge for Hazen to control his Pingree? Or, put your Pingree back in your pants?

“Mmm-no. Too much of a stretch.”

Chetly Zarko?

“Porn-worthy.”

That’s not even a pseudonym.

“All the same, that’s a VERY porn-worthy name. Trust me.”

Okay, I will. Emptywheel?

“What’s an empty wheel and how can wheels be empty?”

I dunno. Got me.

“It’s nonsensical. Definitely not porn-worthy.”

JPowers, short for Julie Powers

“Oh, that’s a hot one.”

You think so?

“Anything Powers. It implies all kinds of powers, sexual in nature.”

LiberalLucy.

“Could be porn-worthy. Depends on just how liberal she is with herself, if you know what I mean.”

How about Nick?

“Anyone named Nick is automatically porn-worthy.“

Why do you say that?

“Did you ever see that movie The Sure Thing? John Cusack says Nick's a real name. Nick's your buddy. Nick's the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn't mind if you puke in his car, Nick. So you can always picture a guy named Nick in porn.”

What about MIR?

“What is that?”

It’s the Russian word for peace. He’s a right-leaning blogger.

“I thought Reublicans hated commies. Why would he use a commie-language word for peace?”

Maybe he's a Republican pacifist.

“Unless it’s the last name of a Russian chick, like Anna Mir or Katya Mir, then it has the exotic factor.”

So porn-worthy?

“Possibly.”

D-J-T-Y-G

“How do you pronounce that.”

I think you just pronounce the letters like I just did, as an acronym.

“No acronyms. Acronyms are not porn-worthy.”

So then B-Z-P?

“Nope.”

The initials E.M.

“No. Initials are for people like writers, like E.M. Forster. So not porn-worthy.”

All right. How about lpackard, short for Laura Packard.

“No.”

What if it was Elle Packard, like Elle McPherson?

“I wish Elle McPherson would do some porn.”

I‘m sure you’re not alone in wishing for that. What about Elle Packard?

“Yeah, I think so.”

wizardkitten, one word.

“Sounds like the name of a Dungeons & Dragons 7th level wizard.”

What if she had a magic staff?”

“Ooh, now were getting porn-worthy. Must...show...lots...of...cleavage. Like in all those really cool covers on fantasy novels.”

Okay, then there’s these two at Daily Kos: Meteor Blades and MissLaura.

“Meteor Blades doesn’t make any sense. But Miss Laura has real porn-worthy potential. And Mistress Laura would definitely be porn-worthy.”

Okay, then there’s all these people who blog under their own names like Juan Cole, Andrew Sullivan, Dan Drezner, Michelle Malkin, and Hugh Hewitt.

“None of those names pop out at me. Maybe Juan Cole. They all sound pretty un-porn-like to me.”

That’s it. That’s all the names. Thanks for your help, Goober.

“You're welcome, Rich. So who said all these bloggers have porn-worthy names.”

A columnist here in our state.

“And they claim to watch porn?”

She didn't say what she watches on her TV or computer.

“It doesn’t sound to me like she's seen enough porn to know what she's talking about. Tell her if she ever wants to increase her porn expertise, that she can call me and I'll be happy to recommend some things for her see.”

I'll be sure to do that.