Annus Mirabilis: A Real Holiday Tale from Lansing

by: LiberalLucy

Fri Dec 14, 2007 at 16:53:25 PM EST

...as waxed today by Sen. Mickey Switalski of Roseville.  Quite fitting for the season if I may so myself.

Enjoy the video here, or read the pretty prose below -

  Annus Mirabilis, A Fiscal Odyssey

 Sing, Goddess, the Wrath of Constituencies displeased,
 As Solons took budgets in both hands and squeezed.
 Then, weary with cuts, dropped the red budget axe
 And seized its hated rival, the increase in tax.

 Heroes searched for a cure to the Plague economic
 Hit on Revenue, Cuts and Reforms as the tonic--
 That many brave Pols to the Fate of Recalls sent
 While their bodies by Perks the Pig were rent.

 Say then, What Cause first locked the parties in strife?
 Some say it was term limits that shortened our life.
 Or exuberant tax cuts. Or government waste.
 Whatever it was, we Chronic Deficits faced.

 Granholm threw down the Gauntlet at her State of the State.
 Said she "Sales Tax on Services will be Structurally Great."
 The blown away 'Crats cast their votes for fair Jenny
 Even Fiscal Conservatives, like two-penny Denny.

 But with just sixteen votes, it was never enough.
 Lawmakers decided to chew on this stuff.
 Insurmountable problems, an abundance of critics.
 Tempting solutions that hid pitfalls and gimmicks.  

Oh yes, there's lots more where that came from...

Like Damocles' Sword, one hung over our head.
 SBT Abolition, by Brooks Patterson led.
 No replacement in sight, and the deadline grew near.
 Two billion buck shortfall, and collapse appeared clear.

 'Fore we even got started, a Red Torrent intervened
 A billion plus bucks from '07 to be weaned.
 "No tax increase," we vowed, with a laser-like focus,
 'Stead used mirrors, and smoke, and slick Hocus Pocus.

 Poof! The budget was balanced. Then how could it jive
 That '08 rouged up by a bill seven-five?
 One-time fixes were culprits, there was now no excuse.
 So we solemnly vowed to abolish their use.
First Surprise of the Summer, a quick compromise struck.
 And a new MBT deal emerged from the muck.
 Rivals Cassis and Bieda, after pulling out hair
 Got us Revenue Neutral, with six months to spare.

 A bi-partisan deal, inspiring to all
 Gave us hope as we turned to the '08 shortfall.
 There was lots of bad feeling, and loads of mistrust
 Angry words to the Press in which rivals were cussed.

 Under cover of darkness, 'neath the Capitol Dome,
 A cabal met in secret, in a Senator's home.
 Resurrected the Service Tax, which six worked to tailor
 A concept designed by Valde the Impaler.

 But nobody liked it, so t'was fast set aside
 'Cuz the House of Reps promised to deliver a tide--
 Of votes for the Income Tax, but all they could muster
Was a lot of false starts, and a big heap of bluster.

 The Summer boiled on, amid heightening fears
 That the State would establish a Sin Tax on Beers.
 Then came the three nights the House Board remained open.
 Tho' Dillon had promised 4.6, he was jokin'.

 You need five six for four six but they always were short.
 So late Sunday Morning Andy had to abort.
 Wags crowed, "Dill ain't up to fillin' his roles."
 Next week he closed five hundred mill in loopholes.

 The House had moved Revenue. But Bishop was cool.
 He'd won eight hundred million, in cuts, through his Rule.
 We fought, push-pull, parry-thrust, shot and rebound
 As we staggered, unwilling, to a Lansing Shutdown.

 The Shutdown would start on October the 1st.
 The way we were battlin', the World thought the worst.
 Would we all go down, our accomplishments: none
 A bunch of thick Morons who couldn't git 'r done.

 Looking back now, Hindsight makes you wise.
 We all had to know it would take Compromise.
 Needed Tax and Reform, so we had to have Cuts
 Slashed four thirty-three million, no ifs, ands, or buts.

 Then took up Reforms, the vote would be tight.
 When you're cutting bennies, it's always a fight.
 Health Care and Pensions for teachers were trimmed.
 Future prospects for Me, Buzz, and Schauer were dimmed.

 My Republican colleagues, to their Word remained true.
 In return for Reforms, now the Revenue grew.
 Birkholz, Van Woerkem, Garcia and George
 Jel'nek and Kuipers took the heat of the Forge.

 The end was a blur, in those hours past midnight.
 I know, in my heart, that we did, what was right.
 It got a bit crazy when we put up IE.
 I wish I'd just gone to the back for a...tea.

 Month later, the last few departments were done.
 Traded Service for Surcharge, still under the gun!
 But together we posted the ultimate score:
 A bi-partisan tax vote of 34-4.

 I'll leave it to others to explain the great lessons
 Of Wisdom emerging from those late-night sessions.
 But know this: Center aisle is where deals get done.
 And being part of solutions is a whole lot of fun."

 Merry Christmas to all.