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Breaking: Pingree to Form Exploratory Committee

by: Hazen Pingree

Fri Jan 08, 2010 at 02:29:12 AM EST


My friends,

This very morning, as I ate my breakfast I happened to look down at the Detroit Free Press and read the following:
"The Democratic gubernatorial campaign might get clearer today when House Speaker Andy Dillon finally jumps in...
Dillon's entry into the Democratic race for governor has been awaited in political circles the way frostbitten Michiganders wait for spring...."
At this I nearly gagged on my hardtack and lard!

Andy Dillon? The Michigan springtime? Surely it must be a joke! Would this be the same self-righteous mollusk who presided over a House so inept and destructive to the very fiber of this beleagured state that even my nemesis from the 1899-1900 session, the dastardly Edgar J. Adams, pales by sheer comparison. Michigan's own Joe Lieberman stand-in apparently feels inclined to run as a Democrat today...though surely we can expect him to run as an independent spoiler if the whole of the Democratic Party doesn't immediately accede to his wishes.

Balderdash, I say! Preposterous! Pure poppycock!

Well, my friends, one thing has become clear: if the State of Michigan is in such disarray that a character such as Mr. Dillon can be presented as a "very serious" Democratic candidate, perhaps being a 168-year old dead Republican isn't as much of a liability as I thought.

In that regard, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to report to you that the "Idol of the People" has returned!

Today, I shall immediately commence formation of an exploratory committee that will prepare my forthcoming intended re-election campaign.

My principal platform is as follows...
Hazen Pingree :: Breaking: Pingree to Form Exploratory Committee
1. Abolish the Legislature

Dear citizens, it has been said that no one's life, liberty, or property is safe when the legislature is in session. Nowhere is this more evident than in our own State of Michigan. Sadly, the inhabitants of the north and south wings of the state house are every bit as treacherous as those in my day, only more so. The term limits amendment of late assures not only a corrupt legislature, but also an incompetent one. One only need look at the debacle of this year's - still unfinished -  state budget prodceedings to see that the obstructive power of these 148 individuals is simply too much for Michigan to bear and must be done away with. Upon re-election, I pledge to immediately lead a petition campaign to change our state's Consititution and end the Legislature's reign of terror once and for all. Of course, I realize our national Constitution does seem to imply we are compelled to have a "legislature," so we may technically have to retain a small group of stragglers in order to avoid violation. However, I assure you that these individuals will be severly limited in their power to inflict any further harm on you and your fellow citizens during this time of great need.

2. Mandatory Elephant Guns for Every Home

I am most appalled at our state's lack of readiness in the event of an elephant stampede, a malicious rhinocerous on the loose or a surprise appearance by a mastadon left over from earlier times. As one who has confronted great danger, it is my intention to rectify this unfortunate situation upon my re-election. In this event, the head of each household in Michigan shall immediately be issued an elephant gun and instructed on its proper usage.

3. War!

My friends, it is well known that we are a people torn apart by partisan strife. Our collective purpose is in question.  We need to come together as a people. To accomplish this I will personally raise a militia with the most advanced cavalry and cannonade available. Once fully equipped, we will right the great wrong committed in 1836. We shall retake Toldeo...and occupy Cleveland as interest!

I am informed that there is already considerable clamor or for just such an expedition in the area surrounding our state university at Ann Arbor. Let us show those wily buck eyes what real Michiganders are made of. Bully, I say!

In conclusion, let me say that I am greatly honored for by this opportunity. Having been out of circulation for over a century now, it's nice to be back. I shall be in communication with you again as we proceed with this great undertaking.

Respectfully submitted,

Hon. Hazen S. Pingree

P.S. - Don't bother sending any money. I really haven't any use for it. You know how they say "you can't take it with you?" Unfortunately, it's all completely true.
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Breaking: Pingree to Form Exploratory Committee | 18 comments
Welcome Back! n/t (0.00 / 0)

Someone was asking about Hazen Pingree the other day... (0.00 / 0)
Good to see you back and in the race, governor.

Among the Trees
Any candidate.... (4.00 / 1)
that promises to take back Toledo gets my support.

Shouldn't be too hard to take with elephant guns.

I ain't made my mind up yet about Toledo... (0.00 / 0)

[ Parent ]
But (4.00 / 1)
He also promised to take Cleveland...so that gives us two of the worst football teams in the US!
[ Parent ]
Couldn't be worse than the Lions. n/t (0.00 / 0)

[ Parent ]
Foot Ball (0.00 / 0)
Perhaps between them we can cobble together a foot ball club that isn't quite so despicable. Additionally, I am informed that a particular advantage can be found in the "basket ball" club of the aforementioned city, led by a chap named "Le Bron James."

At any rate, recall the chief purpose of this war is to bring Michigan together in its time of need. That and the liberation of Toledo from Columbus' tyrannical rule.

"HAZEN S. PINGREE...He was the first to warn the people of the great danger threatened by powerful private corporations, and the first to awake to the great inequalities in taxation and to initiate steps for reforms. THE IDOL OF THE PEOPLE"

[ Parent ]
Another reason for WAR! (0.00 / 0)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

They must be punished!  

"HAZEN S. PINGREE...He was the first to warn the people of the great danger threatened by powerful private corporations, and the first to awake to the great inequalities in taxation and to initiate steps for reforms. THE IDOL OF THE PEOPLE"

[ Parent ]
Count me in Guv'nah... (0.00 / 0)
... finally a candidate we can get excited about.

Of course you will need to bone up, like Hoekstra did,  on the Mackinac Center written "bi-partisan" (Cole and McLellan are both Insurance execs you should know that fund the place) 200 point platform litmus test by the Next Governor Project.

Watch out! People have been talking about William (Bill) Hull also forming a late-in-the-game exploratory committee on the Dead Governor slate. But he should be no trouble for you after his surrender of Detroit (something quite a few Governors have done over the years and gotten away with though with no trouble). Hull's ties with both Jefferson (who appointed him) and Madison (who pardoned him) should work well against him.

What is your Act Blue account? Or are you slating GOP again this time? Got any endorsements yet? Like from Phyllis Schlafly of the Eagle Forum (who write the GOP platforms every two years). You could just adopt the Eagle Forum - Heritage Foundation's (Mackinac Center) "State Government in a Can" like other GOP candidates do - real time saver.

Like the Toledo War of Choice, much easier than the invasion of Canada.

- Hector

PS - More on the Heritage/Mackinac Center "Government in a Can" thing later this year.

Some Republican you are, sir! (4.00 / 5)
Wikipedia has outed you, Pingree:  "Fighting privately owned utility monopolies and railroads.... expanding public welfare programs, initiating public works for the unemployed, building new schools, parks, and public baths..(oh, honey!)... devising a systematic use of vacant city land for gardens which would produce food for the city's poor...supporting the direct election of U.S. senators, the eight-hour workday and a regulated income tax."

Today you'd be tarred and feathered, sir, and run out of Lansing on a rail, sir, for this socialistic/communistic/bohemian/Kenyan twaddle.

I said good day!


Walk a mile in the other guy's shoes. That way, you're a mile away from him; plus, you have his shoes.

Your bumper sticker: "A potato planted in every field!" (0.00 / 0)

That is why... (0.00 / 0)
... Pingree has several statues around the state.

Think to yourself:
"What has any active Michigan politician done lately to deserve a statue in front of the State House?"

Huzzah! (4.00 / 1)
Damned fine of you to come to our rescue, sir, damned fine.

   

In recognition of your dedication to the great state of Michigan, and

    In appreciation of your willingness to resurrect your, er, political body for the public good,

    It is an honor hereby to offer my personal commitment to fund an unlimited supply of mustache wax, collar stays and button hooks for you and your stout-hearted campaign staff ;-)

Again, I say, huzzah! Well played, sir.

Run, Hazen, Run! (4.00 / 3)
I put your name out there early.  An obvious immediate front-runner.  Welcome back!!
The Dems may as well consider nominating a man dead more than 100 years... (4.00 / 5)
They've talked to basically everyone else already.

Among the Trees
[ Parent ]
Mich Lib (4.00 / 1)
should get a poll in the field immediately! This is a real game changer...

Where's Grebner?

A wise suggestion (4.00 / 1)
I shall talk to him about it.

"HAZEN S. PINGREE...He was the first to warn the people of the great danger threatened by powerful private corporations, and the first to awake to the great inequalities in taxation and to initiate steps for reforms. THE IDOL OF THE PEOPLE"
[ Parent ]
Careful (0.00 / 0)
don't pull a Christmas Carol on him or he could have a heart attack!
[ Parent ]
Breaking: Pingree to Form Exploratory Committee | 18 comments

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