For the Price of Two Rivers

by: rich

Tue Jan 26, 2010 at 15:15:47 PM EST

It seems nearly everyone in the Great Lakes states is concerned about what will happen should the Asian Carp make it into the Great Lakes water system.

Michigan’s own Attorney General Mike Cox even sued the state of Illinois to get them to close the river locks. This would prevent the carp from entering Lake Michigan. But Chicago was not keen to have a major artery for commerce shut down, costing them millions of dollars in revenue through shipping fees. And lucky for Chicago that the U.S. Supreme Court wouldn’t issue an injunction to close the locks.

This is unlucky for the rest of us, who are worried about the potential for Dire Consequences. People don’t seem to think there’s anything more to be done now except wait around until a summit next month at the White House.

But there is one thing we can do: the state of Michigan can buy the rivers where the locks are located. Then we would be free to close and open the locks as necessary, and charge access through the rivers just as the city of Chicago currently does.

"Crazy!" you say?

Not in the least.

You see, the Chicago Way isn’t just about putting guys in the morgue. It’s also about getting paid, handsomely.

Given its current economic problems, Chicago would be more than willing to part with ownership of those sections of the Calumet River and the Chicago River that run through the city.

Selling the rivers would be viewed favorably by Chicago’s Mayor Richard Daley. Right now, Mayor Daley is running Chicago as if he’s the anxious manager of a giant department store that’s going out of business, so “Everything Must Go!” The Mayor has already sold an entire stretch of highway (The Skyway), sold the city’s parking meters (to great acclaim), and he even tried to sell an entire airport (Midway) before the financing fell through on that deal. Selling two rivers would not be an outrageous idea. Not for this mayor.

In order for Michigan to get sweetheart terms of ownership of the rivers at a criminally low price, we will have to apply a lot of grease. Which means money into the campaign coffers of the Mayor and his allies, legal work farmed out to the firm Daley & George (run by the Mayor’s brother Michael), and insurance for the rivers and locks purchased from Daley Insurance Brokerage (run by the Mayor’s other brother John Daley, a Cook County board Commissioner).

We won’t have to worry about the Chicago City Council. If you put them all together, you wouldn’t be able to cobble together a complete human spine. The job of the council is to rubber stamp all of the Mayor’s ideas, which it does with spell-binding efficiency. (Though we might have to set aside a few jobs for various family members and friends of local politicians at the department that will oversee the rivers, just to quiet some of the whining.)

So what say you, Elected Officials of Michigan? Do you think we can get bipartisan support for buying the rivers? It would mean greater control over own environment and the potential of a new revenue stream for the state. For the price of two rivers we can save the Great Lakes from the Asian Carp.