Arrest of Michigan Superhero Another Attack By Governor Snyder

by: Philip.R.Moon

Fri Apr 27, 2012 at 18:05:11 PM EDT

The State of Michigan is a little less safe tonight as one of its superheroes is behind bars. BeeSting, the protector of Sterling Heights and member of the super group "The Michigan Protectors" was arrested on trumped up charges of pulling a gun on someone. Don't believe the mainstream media reports about a gun being fired recklessly or the intimation that he is merely some crank. Maybe in your world supergroups are simply summer blockbuster fodder, but Michigan faces some real threats from its own supervillain The Nerd (aka, Governor Rick Snyder). The arrest of another superhero in Petoskey and other event points to a greater plan to seize control of the state.

On The Question Of Virginity, Or, "Starter? I Can't Make Her Stop!"

by: fake consultant

Sun Dec 11, 2011 at 02:58:21 AM EST

He's had a crazy car problem, he has, and over the past few months he thought he had found a solution - in fact, he thought he had found the solution of his dreams - but in the end, he's discovered that the things you dream about often don't go according to plan.

The way it's worked out for him so far, it's been a lot of anticipation followed by a sudden wave of frustration, but I feel like he's a lot better off having his particular problem with his car...because if he'd had cancer instead, he'd surely be dead by now.  

Hitler Holds News Conference, Blames Balanced Budget Amendment For U.S. Defeat

by: fake consultant

Tue Jul 26, 2011 at 13:09:55 PM EDT

"All those ideas Mr. Roosevelt spoke of", said Hitler, "Lend-Lease, modular shipbuilding, War Bonds, secret weapons...in the end, all of them were just words, since the Americans' Congress was never willing to allow the country to fully fund its war effort."  

On Being Bumped, Or, Let's Have Another Roundup

by: fake consultant

Mon Jul 04, 2011 at 13:27:51 PM EDT

But that's OK, because the world's been busy doing a lot of other things - and while many of them get media coverage, some don't get a lot of notice at all.

And of course, there are also those stories that look one way at first glance...but look a lot different when you dig a bit deeper.

We'll hit a few of those today, have a bit of fun doing it, and get ready for what promises to be another busy week of strategically not doing things in Washington.

To make things even better, some of the stories will be real, and some won't.

We'll see if you can tell the difference.

On Sunday Drinking, Or, Has Satan Been Rendered Irrelevant?

by: fake consultant

Tue May 17, 2011 at 08:16:28 AM EDT

Of course, the reason I don't drink on Sundays is because that's when Satan likes to go hang out at my favorite bar - and to be real honest with you, lately Satan's getting to be a real drag to hang out with once he gets drinking.

I mean, it's depressing: he's always talking about how he gets blamed for the economy, even though he claims he has no control over Wall Street, and atheism is a bit of a sore subject - and he's forever complaining about how all his best customers have been outsourcing more and more work to Varsavarti.

But if you think all that's a drag to have to deal with...you should hear him complain about Republican Presidential Politics.

Governor Snyder Excited About State's Divestment Initiatives

by: rich

Fri May 06, 2011 at 07:36:09 AM EDT

(wink-wink)

Today Governor Rick Snyder hailed the legislature’s bold cuts to Education and thanked them for their hard work at putting the state of Michigan on the path to success. The cuts to K-12, Community Colleges, and Higher Education, painful as they may seem, are necessary to make Michigan a more agile and efficient provider of state services.

“I guarantee the cuts to K-12 education will yield previously unheard of efficiencies in the delivery of information to students,” said the Governor. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from investing in the high-tech business it’s this: a scarcity of resources spawns creativity and only then is success possible.”

On Open-Source Entertainment, Or, Today, Jon Kyl Meets Twitter

by: fake consultant

Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 06:53:05 AM EDT

Of course, that 90% claim was total hooey; it turns out that only 3% of Planned Parenthood's work relates to abortions. (The Federal funding for abortions part is, too; the Hyde Amendment made such funding illegal decades ago.)

When confronted, Kyl's office released a statement claiming the Senator's comments were "not intended to be a factual statement".

Sir Rev. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, decided to have a bit of fun with Kyl, and he challenged his audience to Tweet their own "Not Intended To Be A Factual Statement" about Kyl.

I decided to compose a Tweet of my own...and then another...and before I knew it I had an entire story's worth; that's why, today, we'll be taking a taking a short break from the daily grind to have a bit of fun with a man who truly deserves it: Jon Kyl.

On "La Dolce Vita", Or, The Real Life Of A State Worker

by: fake consultant

Sun Mar 06, 2011 at 21:23:01 PM EST

Are the conditions decent?
Is there excessive pay?
Is there even a need for State workers?

Well, I can't answer every question, but I can sure tell you what it's like in our house...and the reason my words carry the "voice of authority" is because The Girlfriend has been working for the State of Washington for the past 16 years.

Bona fides established, let's get to telling the story:

Campaign Manifesto #3: On The Road, Defending Social Security

by: fake consultant

Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 03:26:22 AM EST

The Fake Campaign, as you may recall, is fake headed for Wisconsin, to show solidarity, and we've fake hitched a ride on a delivery truck headed for Rush Limbaugh's Florida broadcasting studios-but we fake found ourselves caught up in the all-too-real Giant Grip Of Winter that has seized the Midwest over the past week.

We're back on the road now, but we were stuck for darn near a half-day there at Wall...and if you know anything about South Dakota, you know there are really only two things to do in the City of Wall: you can shuffle back and forth between Gold Diggers and the Badlands Bar, partaking of numerous intoxicating liquors along the way...or you can head on into Wall Drug (the same one that's on all those bumper stickers and signs) and partake of the finest display of Giant Jackalopia on the planet.

The Campaign, naturally, chose Jackalopia-and that's why today's Manifesto is all about the fake impromptu 5-cent-coffee-fueled Social Security Town Hall that we held in the Wall Drug Mall for several hours while we waited for I-90 to reopen.

Campaign Manifesto #2: In Which We Travel To Wisconsin

by: fake consultant

Mon Feb 21, 2011 at 00:47:33 AM EST

Having made the announcement, we're already making our first campaign trip-and oddly enough, our first trip as a Congressional candidate will take us to Madison, Wisconsin, where we'll link up with a few folks who, apparently inspired by me, have taken to the streets in a very big way.

When we get there I'll need a parka, a nice hat, a thermos of coffee, and a big fat Sharpie-so let me go get it all together, and then we'll be on our way.

Campaign Manifesto #1: In A World Of Phonies, It's Time For A Fake Candidate

by: fake consultant

Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 08:04:01 AM EST

We have a wavering President, far too many feckless Democrats, and Republicans that have decided to dive headfirst into total "insane mode" in a full-blown effort to destroy this country just as fast as possible.

To give but one example, in my own District, WA-08, we are represented by the absolutely useless Republican Dave Reichert, whose best-known legislative achievement is that he has virtually no record of any legislative achievement whatever.

Now we've had a very interesting relationship, you and I, over these past few years; in my efforts to "bring you the story" I've been a fake political consultant, a fake lobbyist, even a fake historian...and now, I think it's time to try to bring our relationship to a new level.

And that's why, America, I'm announcing my fake candidacy for Congress.

Oklahoma Shari'a Law Controversy: The Secret Plot Is Finally Uncovered

by: fake consultant

Wed Feb 09, 2011 at 05:49:08 AM EST

Amazingly, the effort to impose Islamic law involves some of Oklahoma's most prominent business leaders, the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the University of Oklahoma's Fred Jones, Jr. Museum of Art.

Here's the story, as it can now be reported:

Halliburton Gets $2 Billion Contract For Florida "Cardboard Condos"

by: fake consultant

Sun Oct 17, 2010 at 23:07:43 PM EDT

"Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints", said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods."

FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed...but now, we think...well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."

After Bathtub Accident, O'Donnell Changes Position

by: fake consultant

Tue Oct 05, 2010 at 23:27:58 PM EDT

Spike Fromula, O'Donnell's press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O'Donnell now realizes that it is possible to "masturbate without lust in your heart" after Saturday night's revelatory event, which Fromula described as a "slip and fall episode".

"It wasn't exactly 'The Passion of the Showerhead'" said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, "but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved".

On Homeland Security, Or, We Visit A Terrorist Gathering Place

by: fake consultant

Sun Aug 22, 2010 at 22:38:04 PM EDT

I mean, where did the money come from?

Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?

And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere?

Well, I don't know about all of that...but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.

So put on your dark glasses...and let's go see what we can find out.

Lee Surrenders To Grant, Obama Retains Slavery

by: fake consultant

Thu Jul 22, 2010 at 03:53:07 AM EDT

Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama's most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.

At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President's hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:

"It's time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward."

Republicans Intervene In Traffic Accident, Call Settlement "Shakedown"

by: fake consultant

Thu Jun 24, 2010 at 07:55:28 AM EDT

The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a "shakedown" because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff's brother, a well-known local attorney.

They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today's hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.

"What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar", said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, "and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver."

At Black Tie Ceremony, Feith Passes Torch To Barton

by: fake consultant

Mon Jun 21, 2010 at 05:10:49 AM EDT

Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive "passing of the torch" ceremonies in recent Washington memory.

And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.

To Attract Tourists, Louisiana Governor Announces Free Oil Giveaway

by: fake consultant

Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 04:21:32 AM EDT

Jindal, flanked by British Petroleum's Director of Marketing Dick Timoneous and the Executive Director of the Louisiana State Tourism Board, Jenna Talia, announced that the "All The Oil You Can Carry Festival" would officially commence today just east of New Orleans, and last at least through the month of May.

2nd Amendment Foundation And Black Community Agree To Joint Gun March, Rally

by: fake consultant

Wed Apr 07, 2010 at 02:40:24 AM EDT

In return, members of the Black community have agreed to flood the 2nd Amendment March, scheduled for April 19, 2010, in Washington, DC, with hundreds of thousands of heavily armed residents of Chicago's South Side and New York City's Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhoods.

"We hope that the Black community understands that 2nd Amendment rights apply to all Americans" Ms. Stocke told the crowd outside Mr. Sharpton's offices.